Peaches Geldof Is Dead But Don’t Say Why

When did we decide that assuming is such a horrible offense? I know, assuming makes an ass out of you and me. Or, it makes me figure shit out ten times faster than you and be right nine times out of ten. It’s part of the brain function of humans that allows us to react faster to situations presented to us than the animals we keep as pets or boil for dinner. People who keep an open mind are kind, gentle, benevolent creatures who come in last place in everything. You want Columbo to figure shit out in an hour or you want him to spend eight weeks following up on stuff he knows is a waste of time? This is the kind of thinking that gets granny genital pat downs at LAX.

Bob Geldof’s model and TV host daughter Peaches died early this morning but we’re not supposed to say why. This is one of those media contrivances when young public figures previously involved with drugs die and we pretend that maybe it was a sudden onset of Lyme disease caught hiking on a Match.com date. We don’t want to assume. Philip Seymour Hoffman could’ve been hit by a bus, in his apartment bathtub with the needles. Maybe Dead Cory Monteith choked to death on his own spit while trying to a capella any Kate Bush song in his Vancouver hotel room. I understand telling kids that their old dog went to live on a farm and telling all service members’ families that their loved one died a hero. Because children don’t process like adults and because people who serve others deserve that blanket respect. But young celebrities with drug histories and heroin overdosed moms who drop dead themselves suddenly in the quiet alone of their homes or hotel rooms, let’s just go ahead and call that drug related. It’s horrible and sad but saying she went to go live on a farm seems a bit silly for grown ups to tell each other. If you assume wrong, later on, you say I’m sorry, but I think you can understand why I thought it was drugs. And the other person will honestly reply back, I know, we all did. And then we’ll all work together to find the space alien with the ray gun that really killed Peaches Geldof.