Laura Prepon Snags Tom Cruise

When you’re dating Scientology, there’s no bigger catch than Tom Cruise. Forget the mock turtlenecks, the three divorces and the curiously produced offspring, Tom is the MVP of the descendants of Xenu and his intergalactic space armada. It’s like being the groupie chosen to go backstage after a Kenny G concert. It’s a get. And Laura Prepon done got it, including an invite as Tom’s date up to John Travolta’s house for a Cleansing Means I’m No Longer Gay dinner party. It’s like a David Geffen house party, only everybody there is only desperately thinking about sodomizing the male catering staff.. At 5’10”, Laura stands two feet taller than Tom Cruise who only through movie magic is able to hide his extreme dwarfism. But Tom’s always preferred the tall women as the dramatic height difference reminds him of his ultimate destiny to sneak undetected into the Castle of Bandau and release the Sleeping Warriors to seal victory for a bunch of self-loathing wealthy homosexuals on the down low in Hollywood. Laura Prepon, your ticket just got punched to take a spin on the Tom Cruise will fuck you up merry-go-round. See you in three years when Tom is helicoptering off with your inexplicably half-black baby child.

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