Johnny Weir’s Marriage Rectumciliation

Johnny Weir will no longer be gay divorcing his husband Victor Vornov. The fairy tale marriage looked like it was going to come to an end when Johnny surprised Victor with divorce papers and the couple began jousting like a couple of 12-year-old girls in a slap fight. Which if we can be honest, is pretty awesome to watch. Victor accused Johnny of biting him and Johnny said Victor was verbally abusive. The reconciliation will only come if Johnny publicly apologizes for all of the nasty shit he said about Victor. Johnny also has to keep his hag mom from meddling in their marriage. She apparently controls Johnny’s finances by letting him spend all of his money on sequined capes and Prada pumps. If he wants the Vornoy beast back in his tender bits, he’s going to have to create a less stressful marital environment.

Which all leads this whole marriage equality stuff.  Not the equality part. That’s good. But the why would you want it in the first place part. I understand why gay women want to be able to get married. Women love marriage. Even a hardcore butch wants to pick out wedding china. But since marriage stopped being about selling off daughters into scullery service for three gold pieces, the institution has not been so good for men. Sure, there are those questionable studies that show how fucking happy married men are. Apparently they are all healthy sexually active romantic fools if you believe the findings put out by the objective Pro Marriage Institute for Being Awesomely Married. But mostly, ask any married man how he’s doing and about two beers into the conversation you’ll get an epic rant that begins and ends with some comment about the dearth of oral sex. Then the tears. I understand the fight for equality, but is marriage the pot of gold you really want at the end of the gay rainbow? I’d ask for more dance music radio stations and making mesh tops mandatory summer wear for hardbodied Puerto Ricans in urban environments. But that’s just me channeling my big gay genius.