If You Want a Rosie Perez Autograph, Ask This Woman

Once you’ve heard Rosie Perez’s voice, it will never depart the deepest folds of your gray matter. It will incept itself like a horrible dream that pings feelings of misery for decades to come. You won’t even know her speech impediment is in your mind, you’ll just feel a sharp pain in your knee or the unpleasant sensation of somebody squeezing your nut sac. That’s just from one viewing of White Man Can’t Jump on HBO. I guess it’s easier to forget her face because I don’t remember Rosie Perez looking like a neck-pinched white woman from Scarsdale. Maybe it’s part of the mysterious Puerto Rican aging process. You can read all about it in her new book, Handbook for an Unpredictable Life. Or listen to her book on tape and melt your fucking synapses.

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