Dina Lohan’s Guilty Plea is a Passover Miracle

Considering Dina Lohan is what God had lined up next for the Egyptians if slaying the first born sons didn’t pan out, it seems blasphemous she and her attorney were invoking Passover to explain her miracle of no jail time in her guilty plea to driving super fucking drunk. She also was belligerent to the cops and made up fake charges about being assaulted, but that shit goes away when you have a well paid attorney:

Considering this is the first day of Passover, we were very pleased to receive an offer which would resolve her criminal case in Nassau County with a commitment of no jail, no probation, and that afforded her the opportunity to resume her driving privileges shortly. She felt this was a great beginning for the Holy week and she was happy with that result.

I guess this kind of religious pandering would be pretty pro forma, if you’re client was, oh, I don’t know, Jewish. I understand Dina’s Irish Catholic association with the rituals of the seder, most notably the drinking of four glasses of wine before wrapping her shaky fingers around her steering wheel and driving to her daughter’s place to find her stash. Still, this seems a bit profane. Under the precepts of celebrity justice, Dina’s license is being revoked but she’s still going to be allowed to drive. Which makes about as much sense as punishing Dina by making her blow on a device before miraculously having a working car. She’s been doing that since she was a teen.