Shakira Is Not Allowed to Dance With Boys

Here’s a little hint for the ladies. If your boyfriend tells you who you can or can not hang out with or work with, it’s not because he values you, it’s because he owns you. Fuck, how about that for a little Oprah meets Dr. Phil meets that halfway house counselor you’ll be meeting with soon with a bloody lip explaining that she doesn’t understand, sometimes he just gets angry when you burn his toast. Shakira’s baby daddy, Gerard Pique, doesn’t let her get near men, even for her music video work. She even had to ask him permission to be slightly touching Rihanna in her latest music video. Shakira, who is apparently a teenage girl from a broken home, thinks this is super romantic awesome:

He’s very territorial, and since he no longer lets me do videos with men, well, I have to do them with women. It’s more than implied in our relationship that I can’t do videos like I used to. IT’s out of the question — which I like, by the way. I like that he protects his turf and he values me, in a way that the only person he would ever let graze my thigh would be Rihanna.

Many defenders of her soccer playing boyfriend say that Americanos just don’t understand the traditional Spanish world view on how a respectable wife who would never be allowed to dance with another man in public. Which might almost make sense if Gerard had actually bothered to marry Shakira, instead of just banging a bastard baby into her, which I guess is also Spanish traditional. C’mon, Shakira, you’re a 36-year old multimillionaire midget with a nice ass. You don’t need a dude who’s charting your response times to his texts. Come be with me. You can come home at 3am stinking of Old Spice and covered in man juice and I’ll just make you some lentil soup and ask you if you need an ice pack for your vag. Just buy me a Bentley and hump me on Sundays and I’m good.