Keith Richards: Children’s Book Author

Keith Richards is adding children’s book author to the long list of things he probably shouldn’t do. The Rolling Stones guitarist and heroin enthusiast is set to pen a book based on his grandfather with the stupid title of Gus & Me: The Story of My Granddad and My First Guitar. His semi-hot daughter Theodora will provide the illustrations, though not of herself naked so I don’t see a purchase coming on. I find this incredibly sad. Keith Richards was the ultimate drug-addled model banging rock star. I don’t want my rock star legends writing about grandpappy unless it’s that you once stabbed him with a broken bottle to stop him from raping your mother. I want my Keith Richards to vacuum rails of coke off a whore’s ass and then play 3 solid hours of the same songs he’s been doing for 50 years. There are plenty of bored suburban housewives to write kids books. And when they tire out, we have actresses too old to work in the movies any longer. They’re followed by celebrity wives who have self-identified literary skills, and, finally, screenwriters whose last gig was an episode of Animaniacs. The pool of children’s book authors is huge, Keith. But only one person can play the riffs on Sympathy for the Devil with blood so strung out even the zombies wouldn’t eat him during a particularly heinous invasion. Stick to your super powers.