Ireland Baldwin Has a Good Head on Her Tits

‘I’m dumping my boyfriend to focus on work and school’, said no eighteen year old girl ever. But Ireland Baldwin is going with that line to explain her breakup with the gay detective novel series named Slater Trout, a professional paddle-surfer, whatever the fuck that means besides the fact that you’re living off his parents. It might make sense if Ireland was actually in school. I think she’s referring to acting school, which is to school as drinking twelve light beers is to cutting back on the calories. Ireland changed her hair color to lavender following the breakup, which I can tell you from my vast limited knowledge of the opposite sex means she currently hates men. If it’s not red or blond or brunette, her vagina is bitter. She’ll eventually get over whatever Slater Trout did to her. Then I can get back to my bucket list of having sex with her and her hot yoga stepmom while I punch Alec Baldwin in his cirrhosis.

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