Gwyneth Paltrow Ends Her Perfect Marriage to Gay Beethoven

Remember the early days when Gwyneth and Chris were young and in love and almost making eye contact with one another without morbid frowns? Yeah, that pinnacle of raw romantic feeling is over now. Gwyneth Paltrow posted on GOOP with all the grace and elegance that only she could muster that love was ending between her and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. She titled her post ‘Conscious Uncoupling’ just in case you momentarily forgot how much you hated her.

“It is with hearts full sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, so of it together, some of it separate, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate.”

I don’t speak much GOOP, but I take this to mean that Chris Martin is satisfied with what certainly will be his unsurpassed world record of being in the same room with Gwyneth Paltrow without punching her in the crustaceans, and Gwyneth will remain satisfied entirely with herself. It’s unclear if she’ll continue to call him a genius and a wonderful husband and if he’ll continue to hesitantly refer to her as a woman who isn’t the hellish succubus devil incarnate you all believe she is. Amicability terms to be worked out, I’m sure. Also murky is which nannies will retain primary custody of the children. Divorce really is like a little death, only, Gwyneth is still alive. So it’s not quite as good.