Zero Dark Pedo Mustache

I thought I was pissed about that waffle taco, but when I surveyed my true feelings, the Mexi-thing that was making me mad was this manhunt for Joaquín Guzmán Loera, aka El Chapo aka Shorty the drug kingpin of Sinaloa. Just look at this bad-ass. Forget Bin Laden, this Denny’s fry cook looking bastard has been killing thousands of Americans by forcing them to snort piles of cocaine. Without El Chapo, Lamar Odom is visiting juice bars at 3am and Chris Farley is making the same crappy movie for the fourteenth time. On the lam for years, El Chapo was finally captured over the weekend by the Mexican Navy, who couldn’t be bribed because nobody even knew there was such a thing as the Mexican Navy. With this drug kingpin behind bars, you can expect drug use in the United States to drop by anywhere from really close to zero percent to true zero. It will take the Mexican cartels minutes, if not hours to replace El Chapo in the hierarchy and keep the condom swallowing and government corruption unabated. The waffle taco can live, the fake drug war needs to die. I mean, we can kill this guy first too, for that pedo-mustache alone he probably deserves to choke on a tilapia until he’s dead.