Woody Allen Says He’s No Kiddy Fiddler

Woody Allen responded to his daughter Dylan Farrow’s allegations that he diddled her as a little girl. Dylan wrote an op-ed last week in which she attacked Woody’s fans and the actors who work in his movies. She said that since he fingerbanged her when she was 7, Louis C.K. and Alec Baldwin and Cate Blanchett shouldn’t work with him or something. Woody responded saying that he never touched her in her no-no spot and that all of this comes from coaching by his crazy-ass ex Mia Farrow. His other kid with Mia, Ronan also attacked his dad after Woody got a lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes. He’s convinced Woody is a monster. Obviously, he’s unclear as to how Hollywood chooses its legends.

I don’t believe the sexual abuse allegations. The D.A. did some song and dance back in the day about having evidence but wanting to spare the family the suffering of moving forward with a celebrity trial. You know, like D.A.’s never do. Basically nobody produced any evidence of any wrongdoing outside the fluctuating testimony of a young girl in the middle of an ugly custody battle between her parents. The fact that Woody was fucking Mia’s previously adopted 19-year old daughter Soon Yi Previn  made everybody assume that Mia hated Woody’s guts and would do anything to make him suffer. The entire affair is rather creepy, even if not illegal. Somebody fucked up Dylan to the point that she’s cutting herself and not eating and writing horrific open letters about daddy fondling her in the attic. For this reason, both Woody and Mia need to be sent to The Island of Really Shitty Parents that I just invented in my mind. They can cabin up with the Lohans and the Culkins and play the drinking game I Never entirely about shitty things they did to fuck up their kids. Once everybody has drunk themselves to death, we can declare their kids to be the winners.