Selena Gomez Went to Bieber Rehab

When you’ve got a substance addiction, you go to Malibu. When you’re addicted to fucking the wrong kind of people, you jet off to the mountains in Arizona. I think it’s the desert air that magically reminds you to stop merging your privates with scabies ridden strippers and pint-sized hellions. Selena Gomez’s reps put out a press release admitting that Selena was disappeared for two weeks this month in Arizona dealing with emotional issues. You can read that as everybody in her entire life wondering why the fuck she kept pining for junior-sized douche Justin Bieber. Yesterday, we were forced to learn that the lesbian prince took Selena’s virginity in Palm Springs. I guess a girl never quite gets over a tiny effeminate creature mounting her like a macaque baby to its mother. Last month, Selena canceled the remainder of her Australian tour, causing riots in the bush or some such shit:

My fans are so important to me and I would never want to disappoint them. But it has become clear to me and those close to me that after many years of putting my work first, I need to spend some time on myself in order to be the best person I can be. — Selena Gomez announcement to her fans

By best person she can be, I think she means not letting Justin come over to her house at 3am to piss on her bedsheets. That seems like a reasonable bar for being your best. If it takes two weeks of talk therapy with a spectacular mountain view and fresh pressed juice to cut that shit out, then I say it’s more than worthwhile. There’s no addiction in this world worse than bad midget love. You’ve got to kick that shit before Philip Seymour Hoffman and Dead Cory Monteith start feeling sorry for you from heaven.

Photo Credit: WENN