Cameras Have Made It Much Harder to Beat Women

All those tried and true excuses of walking cluelessly into a wall or taking an accidental stumble down the stairs have been pretty much eliminated by the omnipresence of security cameras. Back in the day, a man could teach his woman a lesson without concern for surveillance footage fucking up his go-to alibi. I bet Ray Rice hates cameras. And not just the instant replay cameras that confirm his ruled fumbles on the field. But those pesky closed circuit models in Atlantic City hotels. Like the one that caught him dragging his unconscious fiancee out of an elevator after witnesses claimed she spit on him so he uppercut her to the jaw. To be fair, I think several others saw it as a right jab. You’d be surprised just how unconscious a woman can become from even the most fleeting of punches from a ball player who can bench 400+. Ray’s lawyers had to shift their agreed upon lies once the videotape appeared, now asking the public to consider the fact that videotapes are merely 99.9% photo-accurate representations of reality, not a complete picture:

However, the video that’s being posted by TMZ Sports is not the complete event, but is merely the end result of what transpired. We’ll assure the public that when this matter is fully tried and completed, you’ll have a better understanding of what happened and we ask the public to reserve making any judgment until all of the facts come out.

Hell yeah you need to wait until all of the facts come out. Like maybe he feigned with his left before going with his right to the mandible. Did he know she had a glass jaw? Was that part of his corner’s game plan to take her to the mat? Plus I’m pretty sure we’re going to learn that she disrespected him. Everybody knows that’s no good. You’re not allowed access to the staircases in those hotels, so how else was he supposed to learn her a lesson? Personally, I’m reserving judgement like the man asked.