Brett Rossi To Be The Next Future Ex-Mrs. Charlie Sheen

Dragon-blooded warlock Charlie Sheen is now officially engaged to his professionally gang-banged girlfriend, Brett Rossi. The Hot Shots: Part Deux star flew Rossi on a private jet to Hawaii to pop the question. The two have been mutually squeezing Charlie’s penis pump for a while and there were rumors that they had already gotten married a few months ago. But it turned out to be just Sheen being a precocious scamp and pulling a joke on us all. This would be the fourth marriage for Sheen whose previously been hitched to Denise Richards, Brooke Mueller, and Donna Peele. To make herself feel better about her odds, Rossi claims that she would actually be number three because,

“With all due respect to Donna – that maiden Klay-Vinn was annulled. Therefore, if “three” truly is a charm; The mashup/acronym of the real CS, (Charlie & Scottie) HAS to be; ‘Char-M-stee…’ xox c&s.”

I don’t speak coked-out crazy porn bitch so that means fuck all to me. But I think she’s implying that she and Charlie were meant to be and that she’s lucky number three, like the number of times Charlie’s heart has stopped cold in the past decade. This is the kind of mental gymnastics even less equipped women do to talk themselves into thinking that marrying a guy like Charlie Sheen is a good idea. Of course, if your life-plan alternative is taking ponytailed dudes in your privates waiting for The AIDS to snatch your formally, being Charlie’s next old lady probably doesn’t seem so bad. When he’s chasing you around the Christmas tree with a kitchen knife asking who stole his shit, just remind yourself, this is so much better than a fist in the ass.

(Photo Via Twitter)