Scarlett Johansson Resigns Her Ambassadorship

I didn’t even know Scarlett Johansson was an ambassador. Apparently, she was, and a Global Ambassador to boot, for Oxfam, which is kind of complicated organization to explain, so let’s just call it rich white people trying to save kids from drinking poo water in Bangladesh and other places equally as hellish. When Oxfam has free time from their poo water cleanup projects, they also get into hating on Israel and Western business and people who have good cable TV packages and other Euro-socialist pro forma rants. Even though she’s kind of Jewish, I guess Scarlett really liked the idea of being a Global Ambassador for Oxfam, because that does sound pretty fucking awesome at parties. Also, Sean Penn was only a lightly decorated Oxfam lieutenant so she had something over him when they were boning and he would be going on about how he rescued a desperate family’s cow out of a river in Haiti using just his penis and imagining his nuts as a winch.

Sadly, Scarlett has been forced to resign her Global Ambassadorship because she took dough to be a spokeswoman for SodaStream, that company that turns the cheap and simple process of buying sodas into something annoying and far more complicated. SodaStream is owned by an Israeli company located in the West Bank which has the Palestinians all pissed off even though I guess it’s mostly Palestinians working there. Still when your unemployment rate recently has dropped to a record low 74%, I guess you can be choosy. So Palestinian activist groups speed-dialed Oxfam which then insisted Scarlett choose: SodaStream or them. Scarlett took a quick peek at her fat-ass SodaStream paycheck and decided she didn’t need to kiss any more Congolese babies with dysentery for the time being. Still, I bet she keeps that Ambassadorship on her resume.

Photo credit: Getty Images