Everybody’s Going to Die at the Winter Olympics

My lack of humanity and black heart make me the last guy to play the role of alarmist, but I’m pretty sure that most everybody in Sochi is going to be wiped out by terrorists. First of all, it’s in Russia. Russians laugh at the U.S. when we say we’ve got terrorism problems here at home. Shit’s blowing up in Russia everyday. They are surrounded by states with a large majority of people dedicated to killing them. It would be like having the Canadian Prime Minister burning U.S. flags and talking about letting blood flow in the streets of Minnesota. As opposed to what he does now, which is trade maple syrup for access to our basic cable channels. Not that the Russians don’t deserve it. They’re Russians. They’re pretty fucking racist. They’ve also had the brilliant idea to host the Winter Olympics in a town smack dab in the middle of terrorism central. Right there along the Black Sea, just a grenade toss or two from Chechnya and Georgia and Armenia, and Tehran if they’re feeling missile frisky.

The main Chechen Islamic leader kook called the Sochi Olympics a “satanic dance on the bones of our ancestors.” That can’t be good. Then he asked his followers to blow up anything with the Olympics logo on it, or just anything with colorful rings or related to sports or anything that starts with the letter ‘O’ at all. He’s a strict dude.

The security threat is higher than it’s ever been in the history of the Olympic Games. In my opinion, it’s not a matter of whether there will be some incident, it’s just a matter of how bad it’s going to be. — Bill Rathburn, veteran Olympics security dude

That sounds rosy. I’m guessing Bill makes money scaring the shit out of people. But the Russians seems to believe him because they’re arresting the shit out of anybody and everybody who even looks funny around the Olympic games. They’re going to Stalingrad that entire Olympic Village; start eating the zoo animals and curlers if the siege goes on too long. On the bright side, this could be the first interesting Olympics in a while. No offense to pairs figure skating. It’s time to re-animate Jim McKay.