Nicolas Cage Sex Photos Go Missing

The idea that Nicolas Cage sex photos are floating around out there somewhere bothers me more than a nuclear Iran. I don’t really believe Tehran is going to nuke me. I do feel there’s a 50-50 chance I’m going to one day click on an innocuous hyperlink and end up seeing Nic Cage’s junk. Apparently, some super criminal handyman robbed four computers and a box full of naughty photos from Christina Fulton’s house this past April. Christina was Cage’s girlfriend of 25-years ago, when he was young and stupid and shooting pictures of his fuck face. The handyman was promptly arrested and the computers returned, but the sex photos have disappeared. I’d set Homeland Security to condition orange on this news alone. Get all the pederastic Congressmen bunkered down with their pages. These photos are probably in the hands of the bad guys, like Al Quaeda or E! Online.

UPDATE: According to a very direct statement from Nic Cage, by way of his PR company:  “Explicit photos of myself and Ms. Fulton simply do not exist and never have.” PR agents are like Kal-El himself, incapable of lying. So I declare this to be true. Huzzah!

Photo Credit: Getty/WENN