Ashton Kutcher Puts on His Smart Boy Glasses

There’s no higher order of public debate than when a celebrity jumps on a social issue d’jour on the side of article headline populism. Ashton Kutcher may have dropped out of school to pursue male modeling, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know a thing or two about microeconomics and the business of mass retailing in relation to free labor market wages. They don’t just let any naif portray business genius Steve Jobs. Apparently, Ashton believes that trying to make the most possible money you can, like, say, $25 million for appearing on a sitcom, and trying to pay people you owe the least amount of money, like, say, spending two years in a heated battle to deny your ex-wife spousal support, is a right primarily reserved by the Constitution and the Creator for just Ashton himself. Not for Walmart and their hourly associates. Ashton bangs Mila Kunis and has a magical Kabbalah bracelet, while Walmart only creates products purchased willingly by 100 million, primarily cash-strapped people, per week. I do feel bad for the lethargic English language learning employees at Walmart only earning ten bucks an hour to provide puzzled expressions should you ever ask them where to find batteries or tampons or sweaters that might last three washes. If only they could get part-time gigs on sitcoms where the pay is $20,000/hour they too could afford organic produce and Teslas and smoking hot girlfriends. Walmart needs to stop being so evil. Stay on top of this, Brave Internet Warrior.