Gwyneth Paltrow Might’ve Cheated With a Billionaire

Page Six is reporting that Vanity Fair is going to press with a story about Gwyneth Paltrow sharing her perfectly pale intimate areas with billionaire Jeff Soffer back in 2008. At the time, Soffer flew Gwyneth her out for a private viewing of his refurbished Fountainbleu hotel in Miami. Gwyneth’s husband, Gay Beethoven, did not make the trip and it’s even suggested he and Gwyneth were on the rocks at the time. News of Vanity Fair’s investigation would explain why Gwyneth sent a letter out to her very important friends this past May:

“Vanity Fair is threatening to put me on the cover of their magazine. If you are asked for quotes or comments, please decline. Also, I recommend you all never do this magazine again.”

Only a true celebrity would use expression ‘do a magazine’. Also, maybe a cheater. In a shocking move, Gwyneth’s reps denied the entire affair:

She has been friends for him [Jeff] for a long time. Chris [Martin] is friends with him as well. He flew down a dozen friends. There was no romantic relationship.

Yeah, because who would ever sleep with somebody their spouse knows well? Only ever celebrity ever. Arnold nailed the housekeeper. Woody Allen banged his adopted daughter, Simon Cowell just knocked up his friend’s wife. It’s not like these married celebrities can grab drinks at the Buffalo Wild Wings with an NSA date off Craigslist. They have to grab somebody in their private circle when they want something new and exciting penetrating their private circle.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. In Gwyneth. I thought she was perfect. She’s not. She’s just like everybody else, or the slightly more perfect version of everybody else.