Kabbalah Founder Dies, Ashton Kutcher Seems Not Lost

Philip Berg, the founder of the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles passed away yesterday, drowned in a pile of money, as the prophecies foretold. For those not familiar, Kabbalah is the Jewish-rooted mystical religion famous actors and musicians join when they don’t want the hassle or commitment of Scientology. They still get to donate large amounts of cash to a questionable non-profit, but they don’t have to go on as many retreats or change their phone numbers of believe that a giant airplane landed on Earth millions of years ago containing intergalactic space prisoners. So, there’s that. Though the parking sucks.

Ashton Kutcher is one of the more devoted attendees of Kabbalah. He credits the ancient religion with guiding him through the process of fucking lots and lots of hot women in Hollywood.

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