Kourtney Kardashian Finds Out Who Her Bastard Baby’s Daddy Is

Kourtney Kardashian shared DNA test results with her cash money pimps at the E! channel proving that her unemployed lounge-about boyfriend is actually the father of both her bastard children. The results disprove the paternity claims of the greasy male model who claimed to have nailed Kourtney when they worked together a few years back. Last week, Kourtney’s reps were calling the male model’s requests for a paternity test to be ridiculous and craven. This week, Kourtney had the kid and Scott Disick both swabbed.

“After three-and-a-half years of rumors and lies being spread by an individual I met briefly at a photo shoot, I am setting the record straight that Scott is Mason’s father. While it saddens me to have to address these ridiculous lies—especially when the truth was never in doubt—this story must be put to rest.” — Giver of Life, Kourtney Kardashian.

I’m no Columbo, but I’m guessing by ‘met briefly at a photo shoot’, Kourtney means they didn’t have time to get a condom. If  the truth was never in doubt, I doubt she would have been running around her house with a Q-tip and a FedEx box trying to get shit off to LabCorp before the Friday 5pm cutoff.