Paula Deen Offered Porn Contract

America used to be great for many things. Now, we’re down to just being the best goddamn porn producers in the world. Nobody makes porn like we do. Russia makes a shitload, but it’s horribly lit shit obsessed with old nylons that somebody’s mom had to wait in line four months to get. The Scandinavians don’t really even bother any more. Asian stuff is cool if you really really want to nail a naughty schoolgirl. America owns it. We understand that everybody likes something different. Like some dudes out there who like to see the chunky older folks getting it on. Hotties like n-bomb dropping Paula Deen who PureMature.com has offered a six figure sum to be basted in man juices on camera.

“Full figured or thin, arthritic or diabetic — you embody our perfect spokesperson”, wrote the porn site in an open letter to Paula.

Wow, that’s not fucking disturbing at all. But that’s why America rocks at porn. We’d do diabetic double penetration (cock and needle). And somebody out there would buy it and be very happy. No judging. Just Paula Deen, a rolling pin, and the plantation rent payment being made for the month. I’d watch.