Whatever Trouble You’ve Had, Gwyneth Paltrow Had It First

Guess whose dad died from cancer a full five years before Angelina Jolie’s mom did? That’s right. Gwyneth Paltrow’s. But you wouldn’t know it because Gwyneth keeps her personal pain to herself. She only lets it out for tier two magazine feature articles and above. Trumped by the outpouring of sympathy to Angelina Jolie who cut off her boobs because her mom died of cancer, Gwyneth Paltrow wasted no time in penning a cookbook dedicated to her own cancer dead dad. In the book, Gwyneth says you need to cut all glutens and dairy out of your diet to avoid the Big C. Also, you need to find shucking corn more thrilling than a Thanksgiving pilgrim. If this recipe for attention doesn’t push Gwyneth higher in Google Trends than Angelina, expect her to announce that her husband Gay Beethoven has The AIDS. It’s the next obvious move.