Ireland Baldwin Prepares To Be Abandoned

Alec Baldwin will soon have a new baby and forget all about his first family and daughter (hey, this shit happens, you know that pyromaniac children of divorce). But Ireland Baldwin is not fading back into any first family step-closet. She’s got the fame game pretty much nailed down. When a seventeen year old girl puts sea stars on the parts of her were not allowed to mention because of her age, including her tits and vagina, that’s a sign of future stardom. The last time I had Echinodermata on my private parts, I had to get a Q-tip swab of my urethra. Ireland turns it into a positive. That’s why she’s getting invites to all the VIP parties while I’m just going to get a bunch of letters from angry nerds about how it’s ‘starfish’ and not ‘sea stars’.