Miranda Lambert Isn’t Pregnant, She’s Fat

“I’m not pregnant. I just got fat over the holidays. Just a couple of cheeseburgers extra.” — Miranda Lambert

I’m going to call that true, false, false. Nobody gets fat from two extra cheeseburgers over the holidays. And, what holiday exactly? She said this at the end of March. The Vernal Equinox? The naming of the new Pope? Who didn’t see that black smoke coming out out of the Vatican and think, mmm, ribs? Miranda says she laughs off the crazy rumors that her country music artist husband Blake Shelton is going to dump her for another woman. But those brontosaurus burger drippings on her muumuu say different. She’s worried. And she should be. 87% of country music songs are about pussy the next town over.

In silver lining news, Miranda Lambert’s boobs are getting enormous.

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