Martha Stewart Is Joining Match.com

If Martha Stewart was just some single grandmother in Boca Raton trying to find a man to waste a few bottles of lube on, no one would really care that she’s joining the dating site Match.com. But since she’s worth at least half a million dollars and she controls a media empire that rivals Oprah, guys everywhere might start logging into their accounts to make sure they delete that part that reads: “No fat chicks or old ladies.”

Stewart told the Today Show that she has created an account under an alias and she’s looking for someone to wake up next to each morning. According to the Daily Mail, she said the perfect guy will be “youngish” and “really smart”, as well as “successful”.

Meanwhile, she’s not posting any pictures of herself on the account because she wants random men on the Internet to appreciate her for what she is, a 71-year old ex-convict, and not for all of her money. So good luck, Martha, in going on all zero of your dates.