Joe Jonas DOES NOT Have A Sex Tape, Probably Does

Just when you thought Joe Jonas was the most boring man alive, Blind Gossip came along with a completely unsubstantiated rumor (that is most likely total BS) and shot that All-American virgin routine to hell. According to the site, Jonas and his model girlfriend Blanda Eggenschwiler made a sex tape for the ages, and it is about to hit the web.

Featured on the tape:

At the beginning of the video, Joe and Blanda are sitting on the bed together. They are both drinking and smoking pot, and Blanda explains to Joe what she is going to do to him in detail.

They proceed to engage in multiple sex acts utilizing a variety of sex toys, including a large dildo, a gag ball, and a slapper paddle. Joe participates willingly, but seems less sure of how to use the sex toys, as well as how they will be used on him. He does not enjoy being paddled. At one point he has had enough and cries “Owww! Don’t do that anymore!” Blanda is the more dominant one in the video. At one point she inserts the dildo inside of herself, orders Joe to “lick my p**** juice off of it,” and he complies.

The couple is very vocal and there is a lot of overly dramatic screaming and moaning. The sex is explicit, and there are multiple close-up shots of Joe’s face, penis and testicles, as well as Blanda’s face, breasts, and vagina. In between sex acts, they consume shots of alcohol. The video looks as if it was shot over the course of several hours, and some scenes were shot multiple times, so we do not know which takes will appear on the final cut. Both Joe and Blanda start out sober but appear to be inebriated by the end of it.

Joe’s reps deny every last word of this, as it’s about as believable as Tim Tebow running a glory hole at a Chik Fil A, but they shouldn’t have even bothered. It’s Joe Jonas and a girl named Blanda. Even if they had a sex tape, it would probably come bundled with a wedding video and a bible made of condoms.

(Photo Credit: Owen Beiny/KS/WENN.com)