It’s About Time for a Kicked Up National Anthem

There is a new White House petition to change the national anthem to R. Kelly’s Ignition (remix). The song about going to the club, drinkin’, ridin’ in a stretch Navigator, and gettin’ yo freak on has already garnered 4300 signatures. The current anthem was written by Francis Scott Key after watching a flag in Baltimore harbor survive Limey bombardment during the war of 1812. You have to admit it’s a little dated. It uses words like “O’er” and “Thou” and is about a war no one even remembers. If it was about killing Nazis with a pen knife during WWII, now that would be the shit. Still, R. Kelly is probably the closest thing we have today to a national poet. I mean, he did write a concept album in which a dwarf shits his pants and R. is doing a guy in the poop shoot while dating another man’s wife. If that doesn’t give him the chops to write the anthem for the greatest country to ever exist, then I don’t know what does.