If This Wasn’t On Your Facebook Profile, You’re Already Dead in Hollywood

Let me say this, I’m more gay rights friendly than you. I got gay rights coming out of my ass. I’ve seen Brokeback four times on Blu-Ray. I skip to the fake fishing trips. I go to gay weddings I’m not even invited to and I bring fabulous presents. I’ve got a subscription to Queer Life Milwaukee and I’ve never even been north of Chicago. I’ve got a tattoo of two dicks intertwined beneath the Latin term for ‘forever’ on my back. And it’s not even a real tattoo. It’s henna. That’s how gay friendly I am.  But this week has really tested my limits of support for the supporters of the love whose name we used to dare not speak. I want gays to get married. Let them get three years into a forever legally binding relationship and find out they just lost half their shit to a partner who takes them for granted just like the rest of us. I want everyone to do whatever the fuck they want that makes them happy. But in Hollywood this week the good men and women of the entertainment industry could not help but try to out-gay rights support each other with their symbols and badges and slogans and deep one-liners and borrowed quotations. While people who seemed at least reasonably thoughtful and scholarly were debating the issue in Washington, L.A. became a high school pep rally with ‘San Dimas High School football rules!’as the benchmark for profundity.

I get it, dude, you’re the most open minded person ever. You’re a wunderkind of compassion. You stand above all else in your tolerance and understanding. If Jesus were here today, he’d ask you for pointers on turning the other cheek. Now slap the red equal sign in your Facebook profile you follow monkey and shut the fuck up.