BREAKING NEWS: Lindsay Lohan has bad parents

Just like Lindsay has done for the past 5 years, Dina Lohan said yesterday that everything Lindsay has ever done wrong is someone else’s fault, in this case Lindsay’s dad Michael, who, according to Dina, abused and even raped her during their 22-year marriage. Which is shocking because they seem like the perfect couple, such sweet and level-headed people. Just goes to show you cant judge a book by its cover.

The Daily News says…

“Lindsay saw her dad abuse me — that’s why she’s so screwed up. (He) beat the hell out of me,” Dina said.
According to Dina, Lindsay was affected by all that she saw as a child — and she’s not to blame for her faltering career or oddball antics.

As you read this next part, please keep in mind that Dina Lohan lies non-stop on a daily basis about literally everything.

Dina said her strong Catholic beliefs prevented her from getting a divorce.
Those beliefs helped her survive what she said was a rape by her husband on Feb. 14, 1990.
She said she was at her parents’ home with her kids on that day. Michael Lohan showed up in a limo.
“He was out of jail and on another coke-fueled night,” said Dina.
According to her, Michael tried to convince her to take him back.
She said Michael Lohan raped her as her children slept.
“[They] were sleeping, and I just knew I had to stay quiet — I don’t want to wake them,” she said.

Assuming all that is true, and there’s no chance in hell that it is, it’s terrible, but… come on. I want to punch Dina Lohan and I don’t even live with her. I want to anally rape her with a conch shell and I’ve never even met her. Michael Lohan must have the patience of a saint.