gunman kills 13, injures 38 at ‘Dark Knight Rises’ premiere

Because he’s an asshole, a 24-year-old named James Holmes sat up in the front row during the premiere of ‘the Dark Knight Rises’ in Aurora, Colorado, this morning at around 12:30am, put on a gas mask, dropped a canister of tear gas, then opened fire on the audience with an “AK-47 type” rifle, a shotgun and two handguns. 71 people were shot in all. One victim was just 6 years old. Another, reportedly shot at point blank range, was 3 months old.

Holmes is white, not Indian as was reported this morning around 3:30am. He’s from San Diego but was in med school at the University of Colorado before dropping out last month. Explosives that he had “elaborately” rigged throughout his apartment, a complex used exclusively by UC Medical Center students, patients, and staff, could have killed dozens more, but police evacuated the buildings and are now trying to disarm them.

Other than that, the only good news is that early reports had 14 fatalities and at least 50 injured. That count has dropped to 13 and 38, and 37 of those 38 said this was still better than when they saw ‘Prometheus’. “That movie made no fucking sense whatsoever,” one lady told police.

Sorry about that. I’m way out of my element here. Other jokes in the cue were, “and I thought it was rude to start texting during a movie” and “it wouldn’t have been so bad if he had done this to the audience at ‘Meet the Spartans’ or ‘Epic Movie’, because they would deserve it.”

Again, I apologize. I have no idea what to say here. I normally just post pictures of tits. Like, here, look, it’s Kaitlyn Leeb, the prostitute with 3 boobs from the new ‘Total Recall’. Yaay tits!