monday morning headlines

ROMAN POLANSKI – will not be extradited by the Swiss to the US. He of course was convicted in 1977 of drugging a 13-year-old model and fucking her in the ass, but he fled the country and has never served a day in jail. Well maybe I’ll just go over there and fuck some of their teen models in the ass. Two can play this little game, Switzerland. (huff post)

EVERYONE GOT MARRIED THIS WEEKEND – including Carrie Underwood to NHL star Mike Fisher, Martin Lawrence to Shamicka Gibbs, and John Krasinski and Emily Blunt to each other. By contrast, I found a big box, painted numbers on it and pretended it was a race car. Oh god I’m so lonely! (people, people, people)

MEL GIBSON – has said offensive stuff for a long time, and here’s a list of some of it going back as far as 1991 when he said: “They take it up the ass. (points to his anus) This is only for taking a shit.” To make matters worse he was answering a question about Mexicans when he said that. (gawker)

SOPHIE TURNER – spent the weekend in a bikini in Malibu, and I think I see a shark behind her in one of these pictures. She should take her bikini top off and signal for help. (pacific coast)