wednesday headlines

CARLOS MENCIA – steals jokes. This of course was a bigger story when Joe Rogan confronted him on stage 3 years ago (video and backstory here), but this morning Opie and Anthony played an audio clip where Carlos actually admits it. It’s possible he was being sarcastic, but that would mean he actually wrote a joke by himself. Seems ridiculous when you think about it like that.

ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO – is Brazilian but she lives in Malibu and she posted a “Go USA” cheer with a bikini pic on twitter this morning after the US won their game in the World Cup. On a side note, if God had a girlfriend, this is what she would look like. (twitter)

ROBERT PATTINSON – is actually, honestly related to Dracula. Or at least Vlad the Impaler, who is widely considered to be the inspiration for Dracula. “Don’t you dare lump me in with those queers and fatties,” Vlad said when asked for a comment. (yahoo)

MICHAEL JACKSON – fans will be allowed to leave flowers near his grave site on the one year anniversary of his death. Which is bullshit. It should be closed. Wait, not closed. Enclosed. And then riddled with bullets. Good riddance weirdos. (abc)

HAYDEN PANETTIERE – went to LAX with her boyfriend, heavyweight boxing champion Wladimir Klitschko. He’s from Kazakhstan, just like Borat, and those people don’t fuck around when it comes to putting women in their place. I see a dog crate, but I don’t see any dogs. I hope Hayden has some water and went to the bathroom.