britney is under investigation for child abuse

It should be noted right from the start that Britney vehemently denies these charges, and the person who filed the compliant is the same bodyguard who quit three weeks ago claiming he was sexually harassed (more on that here).

It also needs to be mentioned that the British tabloids are awesome, the only people more obsessed with tits than I am. Even in a child abuse story they find a way to talk about tits by showing the suspect without a bra (same pics as above and below). The Sun says…

Social workers will quiz her over claims she beat one with a belt and gave both food they were allergic to – making them violently ill.
Investigators were approached by the singer’s former bodyguard FERNANDO FLORES.

A source said: “He claims the first really shocking incident was when she came marching into the pool house at her mansion and demanded his belt.
“He handed it over but then followed her into the main house and claims he witnessed the alleged incident.”
Flores also accused Britney of feeding the boys food they were allergic to, including shellfish.
Child protection agency workers tried to quiz her last week but she had left LA for a few days.

Wait really? A belt and shellfish? Oh Jesus who cares. First of all, shellfish is delicious. I would totally trade some hives for a well made oyster po-boy. Second of all, kids suck. Of course she wants to hit them. Thirdly, how badly could it really hurt? Britney has less muscle than Winnie the Pooh. My dad hit me with a belt all the time, and he was a god damn Marine. Britney would need a hip replacement if she gave even one hard swing. It would be the most work she’s done in 10 years.