keifer sutherland is doing great

The National Enquirer has some exclusive pictures of Keifer Sutherland after his drunken strip club binge in London, and as awesome as that is I get the feeling their exclusive story stops there. Because after that they have a bunch of quotes that they clearly made up.

“It’s last call for Keifer as far as most of his friend are concerned,” a source close to the troubled thesp said.  “He’s killing himself!”
Sutherland was gulping down numerous glasses of wine in the bar until 2 AM , an eyewitness revealed.
Two hours later,  an even more  intoxicated — and  now shirtless –  Sutherland was booted from the club by four bouncers!  One ox had Keifer in a headlock, shoving him into the backseat of a waiting car where he was driven back to his hotel. 
“EVERYONE’s tired of his destructive behavior,” the source concluded. “We’re deeply disappointed.”

“It’s last call for Keifer”? Seriously?

All tabloid sources seem to sound exactly alike. Like someone in a Mae West movie. I’m surprised they didn’t add, “a-hubba-hubba” when talking about the strippers. And then someone in a derby should chomp on a cigar and say, “he’s gonna play it my way or he’s dead, ya see?”