is there a sandra bullock sex tape? no.

Yesterday the internet was all ramped up because there was a story claiming Sandra Bullock had a super deviant sex tape with Jesse James.

It includes James smearing feces on Bullock’s upper lip during various types of anal sex, lots of profanity hurled from both parties, and a leather clad James, sporting a Hitler moustache with brown hat with a swastika, ramming a handcuffed Bullock’s asshole with a shotgun in his left hand.

Seriously? Are we being serious? Sandra Bullock. Getting anally raped. With a shotgun. And she filmed it. Seriously?

Jesus Christ.

What everyone needs to know is that this story originates with Ian Halperin, who is a celebrity journalist/complete fuckin moron. His big claim to fame is that, on December 3, 2008, he said Michael Jackson had 6 months to live. On June 25th, 2009, Jackson died. Oohhh, amazing, right?

No, not really. Because Halperin said Jackson was dying because he had a life threatening lung disease called, “Antitrypsin Deficiency, more commonly known as Alpha-1.  The disease originates in the liver and often leads to lung destruction.”

Jackson of course did not die of lung disease. Page 10 of the coroners report makes no mention of any damage or disease of the lungs. Page 11 makes no mention of any damage or disease of the liver.

Four days – DAYS – before Jackson died, Halperin posted about him and made no mention of Jackson being sick. Instead he wished him a happy fathers day. After the December “six-month” prediction, Halperin never mentioned Jackson dying again, but he did suggest that Jackson was getting better: “So far the treatments have been working”.

The fact that Jackson died around the time Halperin said he would is incidental. It’s only impressive if he had said how Jackson was gonna die. How someone ended up where they are is pretty important. It’s why I can’t kidnap Megan Fox and call it a date. Halperin was 100 percent wrong about Jacksons death, and it’s the thing he’s most proud of.

But he does more than just fuck up Michael Jackson stories. On Opie and Anthony he “confirmed” that Tiger Woods has a sex tape. He also said the NCAA was going to take away Reggie Bush’s Heisman trophy. The NCAA doesn’t give out the Heisman so they can’t take it away but whatever.

On his website some of his “exclusives” include “J.Lo and Marc Anthony will split by June 1” (he said that on 1.1.09). On March 27th, 2009 he said Angelina is pregnant and will give birth in Portugal. He said Angelina was having an affair with Lady GaGa. On September 5th, 2009 he wrote that Kate Hudson is pregnant, Alex Rodriguez is the father. In September of 2008 he said Michael Jackson and Pam Anderson were dating. And for two years he’s been saying Pitt and Jolie are breaking up any minute now.

You may have noticed none of this stuff has ever actually happened.  So does that Sandra Bullock doesn’t really have a sex tape where she gets fucked in the ass with a shotgun?  I have to much respect for Sandra Bullocks anus to even answer that.