tuesday morning headlines

TIGER WOODS AND ELIN NORDEGREN – are on the cover of the New York Post this morning, photographed together for the first time since his car wreck in late November. And it’s the most offensively boring picture that anyone has ever pretended was news. If I was in New York I would go to the Post and just start punching people. (fox news)

LADY GAGA – collapsed on stage in New Zealand during a performance of ‘Bad Romance’. Doctors think it was because that song sucks. (pop eater)

MICHAEL JACKSON – just signed the biggest recording contract in history, a 200 million dollar deal with Sony. His first album will be 4 seconds long, and he’ll say ‘Boo’ and then rattle a chain. Keep this in mind the next time the music industry tells you they’re going bankrupt because of file sharing. (ap)

JESSICA SIMPSON – told Sirius that she’s a size 4 while promoting her VH1 show about the insane things women do to meet the unrealistic standard of beauty pushed on them by the media. More specifically, by Jessica Simpson, who made millions doing it from 2002-2008. (wonderwall)

CHERYL BURKE – of ‘Dancing With The Stars’ hung out on the beach in Miami yesterday, the hottest combination of dancing and sex appeal since my erotic Dance of the Seven Veils. (splash news)