the 82nd academy awards live blog (update)

(MONDAY MORNING UPDATE – now adding all the relevant video)

1:50pm – “live blogging” combines all the boredom of an awards show with all the tediousness of reading. Could someone please tell me why the hell I’m obligated to do this kind of thing.

3:41pm – How the hell are we supposed to pretend like this is a prestigious event when they invite Nichole Richie.

3:42 – Apparently these are the requirements to get in: the doors have to be unlocked.

4:04 – If I saw Kathy Ireland looking like this I would try to tap on her shell and feed her some lettuce.

4:14 – Speaking of turtles, the sad cartoon turtle Maggie Gyllenhaal has arrived. One more and we can make a pyramid.

4:31 – Morgan Freeman and his date are having a good laugh about what Miley Cyrus considers cleavage.

4:33 – Who the hell invited Jennifer Lopez. Why is she there? Is this like an EEOC thing?

4:39 – Thank God Charlize Theron arrived. Up until now the most fuckable person there was Ryan Reynolds.

4:54 – That moonfaced lump from ‘Precious’ better hope there isn’t some kind of earthquake and cave-in because eventually someone will say, “what are we gonna do for food?” And then everyone would slowly start to look at her.

5:05 – Sandra Bullock has a pretty nice ass. I heard she does anal. Naw I just made that up. That would have been awesome though.

5:07 – Kathy Ireland is interviewing Zac Efron on the ABC pre-show, but I don’t have the sound on. Gosh, I hope I didn’t miss something important. I should rewind it just in case.

5:13 – Someone was just talking about all the great ‘Best Picture’ winners from the past. I can’t help but notice that they didn’t mention ‘Forest Gump’ beating ‘Goodfellas’ ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ and ‘Pulp Fiction’. Or ‘Shakespeare in Love’ beating ‘Saving Private Ryan’. Jesus Christ these awards are stupid.

5:22 – To follow up on how dumb Hollywood is, Miramax promoted ‘Shakespeare In Love’ to win Best Picture by drumming up stories claiming ‘Saving Private Ryan’ was not historically accurate (link). The main point of contention was whether Lincoln wrote the “alter of sacrifice” letter attributed to him (no) or if it was his secretary (yes). And the Academy fell for it.

This would seemingly pale in comparison to one glaring historical inaccuracy in the Shakespeare movie, namely, THERE WAS NEVER A WRITER NAMED WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. He was never “in love”, BECAUSE HE NEVER EXISTED. This guy right here? NOT REAL. NEVER WROTE A WORD IN HIS LIFE.

5:30 – And here we go.

5:30 and a half – Whatever the old record was for “Fastest Actor Ass Kissing”, it just got annihilated. (video update – The new record is 11 seconds.)

5:32 – I’d be much happier if Neil Patrick Harris really was hosting.

5:34 – Is he really gay? Sometimes I wonder.

5:35 – Clooneys woman needs to make up her mind if she’s gonna be hot or not. I have a life to lead.

5:38 – They put the beanbag from ‘Precious’ as far as they could from the aisle. Presumably because the fire marshal made them.

5:42 – Hollywood is gonna hate this opening because Steve and Alec aren’t kissing everyone’s ass.

5:44 – I could teach a cat to bark like a dog and it would be better than the way Penelope Cruz speaks English.

5:49 – Waltz as Best Supporting Actor was even more of a lock than Ledger was last year. When you see good acting it really is impressive, and that dude was ungoddamn believable.

6:02 – Every time I see Cameron Diaz, it’s like I have rabies. I wanna punch her so bad. It’s like a drug.

6:03 – Later tonight you should tivo back the part where Diaz talks about how beautiful she is and listen to it while looking at this picture, which was taken about one hour before she said those things.

6:05 – I wasn’t paying attention. Who is that dorkapotamus in the sunglasses, and why the hell is he on stage. (update – is there someone else under that coat?)

6:15 – ‘Hurt Locker’ over ‘Basterds’ for Screenplay? Hm. ‘Hurt Locker’ should win ‘Best Picture’ but Col. Hans Landa is one of the best characters ever written.

6:21 – I had the sound off again. Is this a tribute to VHS tapes or something? (update – oh, john hughes.)

6:25 – I never should have mentioned ‘Saving Private Ryan’ because now I’m watching that insane first 20 minutes. Can I liveblog this instead?

6:33 – Zoe Saldana is so god damn pretty it’s hard to even believe. And she’s so thin, she must be tight as a god damn drum. I would have to wait until I wasn’t hard and then push my penis in a little at a time with my thumbs.

6:43 – How many times in a row does Ben Stiller have to fail at being funny on an awards show before people stop letting him try? I tried to watch that again but my DVR didn’t tape it. It simply refused. It said, “No. No, absolutely not.”

6:51 – No one in Hollywood reads the screenplays nominated for Best Screenplay by the way. Think about all the famous people you know in this room right now. Do they seem like big readers? People who will spend a week reading 10 screenplays when there’s nothing in it for them? The guy who just won for ‘Precious’ seems like a decent guy and there’s no doubt that he’s a good writer, but if people in Hollywood read screenplays do you think shit like ‘Transformers’ would get made?

7:01 – Mo’nique does realize this is being broadcast right? Who is she talking to? WTF is she talking about?

7:06 – Jesus Christ. We’ve done 10 of the 24 awards. This stupid show is gonna last until sunrise.

7:14 – ‘The Young Victoria’ winning Best Costume is another good reminder that Hollywood is filled with idiots. Anyone could make the costumes for this movie. All you have to do is look at what people used to wear back then and then make that. How the hell are movies like this even eligible?

7:15 – It would be like having a contest for Best Car, and you made a flying supercar that ran on garbage, and I made a 1995 Ford Taurus, and I won the contest. That would be retarded, right?

7:16 – You can literally find some fancy outfit some king used to wear and copy it inch for inch. The category should be renamed ‘Best Recap Of Stuff People Used To Wear’. I’m over explaining this, aren’t I?

7:44 – At this point of the show, instead of that super slow James Taylor song, they might as well have played video of sheep jumping over a fence one-by-one, underneath a big crescent moon with its eyes closed and wearing one of those long caps for sleeping.

7:55 – I always heard that Hans Zimmer doesn’t compose his own music. He has a big studio and the people who work for him do a lot of it. Another frequent rumor around Hollywood is that my cock is enormous.

8:05 – The guy who accepted the award for Best Documentary used to be engaged Michelle Pfeifer. How insane is that? Women are awesome. There’s no equivalent to that relationship the other way around. There’s no male version of Michelle Pfeifer getting engaged to the female version of Fisher Stevens. If there is she better run because he’s gonna kill her and take her money.

8:10 – Those other documentaries did the best they could to be as depressing as possible, but ‘The Cove’ had dolphins being slaughtered. Top that.

8:19 – The German nominee for Best Foreign Picture, the one in black and white with all the yelling and the stuff burning down, looks like it was made by someone who didn’t know anything about Germany except for a bunch of stereotypes.

8:28 – Someone emailed me the picture below and said, “Here is the sign they held up before being cut off,” though I’m not sure what they meant by that.

8:31 – Tim Robbins is under rated funny.

8:35 – I’d like to hear more pot-fueled rambling from Jeff Bridges.

8:46 – Did Oprah really just ask the beanbag from ‘Precious’ how she learned to act like someone who lived their life being singled out and ridiculed? Oh, gosh, what a good question. Maybe kids used to make fun of her because she was a bad speller.

How do you think she learned it you dumb bitch.

8:50 – Adding the Sandra Bullock video. Her win still seems weird. Nothing wrong with her as an actress, it just seems really hard to believe that there wasn’t any better acting this year than Sandra Bullock in a movie co-starring Nick Saban and Lou Holtz.

8:57 – Barbara Streisand can’t go 5 seconds without sounding like a complete cunt. In under a minute, Sandra Bullock went from talking about how no race or sex makes one person better than another and everyone should be treated as equals to Streisand singling out 2 of the 5 directors based on their race and sex. When that old bitch dies I’m gonna jack off on her grave.

8:58 – Kathryn Bigelow should have won for ‘Point Break’ too. That movie was fucking awesome.

9:00 – Wow Tom Hanks does not fuck around. I’m happy for ‘Hurt Locker’, a war movie that wasn’t about politics but was about the life of soldiers on the ground and the awful lives they lead to defend America from animals who would love nothing more than to kill us. ‘Avatar’ looked great and will change everything, but it was like watching someone else play a really good game on the Wii for 3 hours.