everyone loves charlie sheen

Charlie Sheen was fast asleep early this morning when he received a call from OnStar after the airbags were deployed on one of his cars. He looked outside but didn’t see the car. He didn’t see the car because he wasn’t looking at the bottom of the canyon, which is where whoever took the car put it.

It’s not clear who was behind all this, but an even better question is when did TV reporters become such pussies. In this report from KTLA, the great Sam Rubin (one of the few in the media to realize that perez is a fuckin retard who doesn’t actually do anything) is the only one to bring up that there’s a very obvious short list of people who could or would have done this. But then the pussy anchor guy freaks out and says they won’t speculate. There’s no way to know who might have done this. He should put on his reporter trenchcoat and fedora with a card in it that says PRESS and solve the crime.

It could have been anyone, so he can start by interviewing some preschoolers, then Tom Hanks, then bring one of Sheens’ socks to the dog park and see if one of them picks up a scent. Maybe that will help in some way. He’s really tightening the noose around this band of thieves now!