the top 10 stories of 2009

10. KELLY BROOK IS PHOTOGENIC – this picture was the topic of some heated debate around the office while making the Top 100 list, with many feeling it should be the number 1 story of the year. Of course I’m the only one who works here, so it was mostly my penis taking a stand. Eventually we agreed on the Top 10. That’s the price of leadership. (May 20th)

9. PAULA ABDUL GOT FIRED FROM AMERICAN IDOL – because she was demanding a raise from 5 million to 20 million dollars a year. When they finished laughing several days later, the producers hired Ellen DeGeneres. Of course they could have trained a monkey to whack off in the corner and it still would have been more insightful than anything Paula had to say. Seacrest could say, “Thanks Simon, that’s a good point. What about you Masturbating Monkey, what did you think?” And they could cut to the monkey in the corner jacking off. They just have to be sure to not accidentally pan to Randy Jackson. I have to believe the NCAAP would have something to say about that. (August 5th)

8. NATASHA RICHARDSON DIED – By all accounts she was a decent, talented and gracious woman. Her death is still confusing, as the official story is she hit her head on snow while skiing. Snow: NATURES LOADED GUN! (March 18th)

7. CHRISTIAN BALE WENT NUTS – I think he might be upset. (February 2nd)

6. SNOOKIE GOT KNOCKED OUT – The most entertaining film of the year. The New York Times called it, “A delightful romp, sure to please and make crowds stand up and cheer!” (December 9th)

5. KATE GOSSELIN IS A MEAN BITCH – Everything you need to know about this evil bitch can be seen in this video. She might as well have snakes for hair she’s so evil. (June 12th)

4. ERIN ANDREWS HAD A SECRET ADMIRER – See, doesn’t it sound nicer like that? The media is so negative all the time. And instead of “rapist”, what if we said, “her mysterious lover”. How romantic! (July 20th)

3. RIHANNA GOT BEAT UP – A lot sure has changed since that terrible night 10 months ago. I no longer ask, “Who the hell is Chris Brown”, for example. (February 9th)

2. JESSICA SIMPSON GOT FAT – All my thoughts are summed up by the expression on that guy behind her. As shocked as we all were, look at that guy. It’s like he’s lost the will to live. (January 26th)

1. MEGAN FOX KISSED A GIRL – If I have to explain why this was a big deal, and why it’s clearly the biggest story of the year, you’re probably too busy trying on your pretty dresses to read it. (September 23rd)

– SEE ALL 100, THE TOP 100 STORIES OF 2009, STARTING RIGHT HERE