tuesday morning headlines

JUDE LAW AND SIENNA MILLER – are back together. Or at least they were on Thanksgiving. “They had no problem flaunting their love right in the middle of the restaurant. They definitely looked like they were head-over-heels for each other.” Of course Jude Law would stick his dick in a beehive and go down on his own reflection, so Sienna better cool her jets. (star)

RACHEL UCHITEL – says she has only met Tiger Woods briefly on two occasions and has offered to take a lie detector test to prove they’re not having an affair.  If she answers all the questions honestly, it will save her reputation and earn 10 points for Gryffindor.  (new york post)

JAKE GYLLENHAAL – really wants to marry Reese Witherspoon. Unfortunately for him, “There’s a huge attraction between them … but Jake can be a little overbearing at times, and Reese is really happy with life right now. So why change that?” Sounds like Reese is a little too comfortable. Jake should go out one night and pick up some whore. Of course whores are pretty much my answer to everything. (people)

JESSICA SIMPSON – made this dress beg for mercy last night as her sister Ashlee made her Broadway debut in ‘Chicago’. It sort of looks like a boa constrictor just ate a wild pig. Sexy, right? (splash)