monday afternoon headlines

NICK HOGAN – is mostly famous for driving like an reckless asshole, and Saturday night he “was involved in a minor car accident in Los Angeles.” No one was hurt and no police reports were taken, so no specifics are known, but maybe a little torture will loosen his tongue. (the ap)

ALEC BALDWIN – is retiring from Hollywood. In about three years. “I don’t have any interest in acting anymore. Movies are part of my past. It’s been 30 years. I’m not young, but I have time to do something else.” Some are saying he could have a second career in politics. His only hurdle will be that he has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about. (e! online)

JAKE GYLLENHAAL – has not broken up with Reese Witherspoon, despite the rumor this weekend that he had. I was sitting at a red light and saw Jake standing there, so I rolled down my window and asked him for a comment, but all he said was, “hey man wanna party?” Then he pushed his tongue against his cheek and made a handjob gesture. No sir I do not “wanna party”, thank you very much! (access hollywood)

EMMA WATSON – was in Jamaica this weekend, and to be honest Hermione didn’t look very happy. Hopefully me hitting on her and telling her, “she’s cast a spell on my magic wand” will cheer her up, because I was planning on doing that anyway. (splash news online)