tiger tiger tiger!

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning on a bed of money and a pile of many beautiful ladies. More to the point, you’ve spent the last 4 days blissfully ignorant to any stupid pop-culture gossip stuff. That’s why you and I are both super cool and super amazed at how cool this Tiger Woods thing is.

It all began Thanksgiving day with a National Enquirer story that claimed he was cheating on his hot Swedish wife Elin Nordegren with a New York party girl named Rachel Uchitel. Uchitel also allegedly had an affair with David Boreanaz while his wife, former Playmate Jamie Bergman, was pregnant.

According to some, Elin heard all this and attacked Tiger with a golf club in a move marked by her choice of weapon and it’s “back from whence you came” type irony.

As Tiger hauled ass out of there, Elin kept pace and smashed his Escalade repeatedly with the golf club. This caused him to lose control and crash into his neighbors mailbox and a tree on the front lawn (more here). When asked for a comment, the mailbox said, “Ow.”

Tiger has somehow managed to avoid a police investigation so far, but yesterday he did post a gushing love letter to his wife on his website denying any affair and condemning any notion that his wife beats his ass.

He seems to take full responsibility, but I’ve watched that smart guy on ‘Criminal Minds’ enough to know a pattern and cry for help when I see one. If you take the opening of his statement (“I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore”) and play it backwards, you get, “eros ytterp mI won thgir dna gnisiurb stuc emos evah I.”

Look closer and you see, “Eros … mi won … thgir dna … stuc … evah I.”

Eros.  Me won.  Tiger DNA.  Stuck, ever I.

Tiger, with Elin no doubt peering over his shoulder, is professing his love for Uchitel. He’s saying Eros, the Greek god of sex and beauty, has blessed him with a new love but because of DNA, that is to say his child with Elin, he’s “stuck for ever” in a loveless relationship and abusive marriage.

Tiger is making a fool out of Elin, and what she should do now is get another golf club and flail away wildly. It would serve her revenge, a revenge she’s earned as he continues to disrespect and humiliate her, but more importantly it would keep this story going.  That’s extremely important right now, because it’s always fantastic when rich famous people get all ghetto like the white trash you see covered in flour and hiding in a couch on ‘COPS’.