Melissa Joan Hart seems nice

Melissa Joan Hart was a celebrity according to wikipedia, and this weeks People magazine confirms it.  She’s on the cover, and my sources tell me it’s because a horrifying photo (above) led the Sabrina star, 33, to take control.  So she lost 42 LBS!  This comeback is very important to Melissa, and no punkass cancer patient better get in her way.

(Melissa) was overheard off-camera at KTLA in Los Angeles on Friday saying how she’d been hoping last week that cancer-stricken Farrah Fawcett wouldn’t die — and thus bump Hart off the cover of People magazine.

It’s too bad that Farrah had to go and selfishly live, because if she died Melissa might be desperate enough to have done a “Weekend at Bernies” thing and stole her corpse and put some sunglasses on her and then driven around town in a convertible.   She could force a broom through the bottom of her passenger seat and then push Farrah down on that to keep her upright like when you roast a turkey, then hook a stick to Farrahs hand so she could make her wave.  Another good idea would be to have a tape that says, “Hi, good to see you too.  Yes I feel great thank you for asking.”  Then Melissa would need to drive away very fast because that may or may not be what the person asked.