THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN

There are a few easy ways to know it’s going to be a bad day, even as you’re just waking up: 1.  "Why does my asshole hurt?"  2.  You’re covered in blood (not yours).  3. A brand in the shape of a pentagram appears on your chest.  4.  You’re Vietnamese.  

Another good way is when look all over for sexy pictures to start the day off right and the best you can do is Brooke Hogan.  Now I don’t think Brooke would mind me saying she’s the best I could do, because I’m sure she’s heard that a hundred times as the bar is closing, but I feel like you deserve better.  But I will say this for her, she may be ugly, but what she lacks in looks she makes up for by being fat and unlikeable and the ability to never do anything right.  

Wait…