GOOD LORD THIS IS DUMB

Look, no one loves the London tabloids and specifically the Sun more than me.  They're trashy pieces of shit who will find any excuse to talk about sex and show tits.  They could have a story about a serial killer cannibal, and in the first paragraph they would say, "Jack 'The Ripper' Lombardi would find his victims near a local college, where BUXOM YOUNG CO-EDS ALSO GET AN EDUCATION IN THE BEDROOM".  And then they would show an unrelated topless girl with big tits, with the caption, “WHO WILL BE THE NEXT VICTIM?”  But today the Sun is printing sheer insanity that not even I can defend.

FUNNYMAN EDDIE MURPHY will play The Riddler in the next Batman movie, The Sun can reveal.The Beverly Hills Cop star, 47, has been signed up by British director CHRISTOPHER NOLAN to reprise the role played by JIM CARREY in 1995’s Batman Forever.The surprise move follows speculation linking Pirates of the Caribbean star JOHNNY DEPP to the part.The film, set for a 2010 release, is being developed under the working title Gotham.Execs have also signed up rising Transformers star SHIA LABEOUF, 22, to play Robin.Meanwhile, Brit RACHEL WEISZ is said to be up for the Catwoman role.

Just … what?  Okay, the reality is, and these are all facts, Nolan has not agreed to make a third Batman.  He probably will but there’s no deal yet.  There is no script, there is no story, there are no villains picked out.  If he does he will make an unrelated movie, probably "the Prisoner", between now and then, as he did with "the Prestige" between "Batman Begins" and "Dark Knight".  Most importantly, he has said in no uncertain terms, as has Bale, they hate Robin, and he will NEVER be a part of these movies.  The Sun needs to step up.  I’d like to think they’re capable of better reporting than this.   I'd also like to think that a monkey could be trained to make me a decent god dammed breakfast, but apparently that takes a monkey who's not a total fucking retard.  Yeah, Mojo, that's right, I'm talking to you!  Oh, sure, start screaming, fine, oh yeah, yeah slam that down, that's right, real mature Mojo, real fuckin mature!