DIABLO CODY HAS HAD ENOUGH

Lots of people seem to hate screenwriter Diablo Cody, and with good reason.  "Juno" was unbearable.  Every character is exactly the same.  They speak with sarcastic dead-pan zingers and cringe inducing puns while indie music plays and we’re beaten to death by how precocious and quirky the lead character is.  Hamburger phone, a pipe, couch on the sidewalk – yeah we fucking get it, you’re an irreverent teenager wise beyond her years.  The point to all this is that Diablo has had enough.  She writes on her myspace…

I may have won 19 awards that you don't feel I earned, but it's neither original nor relevant to slag on Juno. Really. And you're not some bold, singular voice of dissent, You are exactly like everyone else in your zeitgeisty-demo-lifestyle pod. You are even like me. (I, too, loved Arrested Development! Aren't we a pretty pair of cultural mavericks? Hey, let's go bitch about how Black Kids are overrated!)I'm sorry that while you were shooting your failed opus at Tisch, I was jamming toxic silicon toys up my ass for money. I get why you're bitter. I took exactly one film class in college and– with the curious exception of the Douglas Sirk unit—it bored the shit out of me. I also once got busted for loudly crinkling a bag of Jujubes during a classroom screening of Vivre Sa Vie. I don't deserve to be here. We've established that. But I'm here. Five million 12-year-olds think I'm Buck Henry. Accept it.(Incidentally, if you were me for one day you'd crumble like fucking Stilton. I am better at this than you. You're not strong enough, Film_Fan78. Trust me.)I'm sorry to all those violent, semi-literate fanboys who hate me for befriending their heroes. I can't help it if your favorite writer, actor, director, or talk show host likes me. Maybe you would too, if we actually met.I know my name is fake and that it annoys you. What, do you hate Queen Latifah and Rip Torn, too? Writers and entertainers have been using pseudonyms for years. Chances are, you're spewing bile under an assumed screen name yourself. I'm sorry if you think I'm like some inked-up quasi-Suicide Girl derby cunt from 2002, but I like my fake name. It's engraved on an Oscar. Yours isn't.Listen: I've been telling stories my whole life. Even when I was a phone sex operator, I was the Mark Twain of extemporaneous jerk-off fiction. I took every perspiring creep on a fucking journey. I don't know how to do anything else.

So if you didn’t love her before, surely you will now that she’s explained how wonderful she is.  But none of this changes the fact that her characters sound like mascots created by a marketing firm.  Juno is less of a real person, and more of a hip new concept created by an international panel of experts who know nothing about teenagers but have seen several Pepsi commercials.