5 WEEKS TO LIVE? AWW … WOW.

Wow does this suck.  Like every other hick raised in the south, I consider Red Dawn and Roadhouse to be two of the finest films ever made (AVVVENNNGGGEEE MEEEEE!!!), but today the National Enquirer says that Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer that has rapidly spread to other organs, leaving him with just five weeks to live.

In a shocking world exclusive, The NATIONAL ENQUIRER has uncovered the devastating news that the beloved Hollywood actor and dancer was diagnosed in late January with pancreatic cancer that has spread to other organs. For the past month, Patrick, 55, has been traveling to Stanford University's prestigious cancer center in Palo Alto for radical chemotherapy, but his doctors are no longer optimistic that the treatments will be successful.He received three doses of chemotherapy and the tumor shrank, but less than his doctors had hoped for — and Patrick was told he should prepare for the end."He was told he could have two more treatments, but his cancer was not responding. In short – they held out little hope for a cure," said an insider.

Hey, Doctors, if you're wondering why everyone hates you, it's because of stuff like this.  Don’t you ever have anything nice to say?  How about for once, instead of saying, "the bullet nicked your spine and now you're paralyzed for life", how about, "the bullet nicked your spine, and now … YOU CAN FLY!"