LIVE AT THE OSCARS

4:46pm – I don’t know who most of these people are, and I hate many of the ones that I do know, and also I didn’t see most of these movies, but I have heard of many of them, and I have seen several other movies, including Die Hard and one with dinosaurs.  So with that, here we go, live blogging the Academy Awards.

5:06pm – Conan O'Brien looks awful. Is he sick or something? 

5:27pm – What's red and has big teeth?   

5:30pm – I like the opening.  It's about time the actors got some of the attention.  For too long they've toiled in anonymity. 

5:37pm – Tommy Lee Jones looks like he'd be a lot of fun.

5:38pm – I'd rather watch "2 Girls 1 Cup" again than "Atonement".

5:50pm – So they did one award and then kissed their own ass for 10 minutes?  I hope they have time for Best Picture.  They have a pretty full plate. 

5:55pm – I'm glad that French movie won best make-up.  That lead actress went from a brunette to a brunette with her hair in a bun!  Sorcery!

6:16pm – Jennifer Hudson like's to.  Read.  The cue cards.  Haltingly.   

6:31pm – Do I have the wrong channel on?  Is this is English?  Are there subtitles available for this.

6:39pm – I think Javier Bardem should have won for Best Supporting Actress as well.   I know he wasn't nominated for that but so what.  He was that good.

6:53pm –  The chick singing that song is dating Seth Green.  Combined they're almost 18 inches tall.

7:05pm – The Oscar for Sound Editing is chosen by picking a name out of a hat, because no one has any idea what the fuck that is.

7:12pm – In case you’d forgotten, the Academy Awards would like to remind you that actors, even ones who aren’t nominated tonight and may or may not be alive, are fucking awesome.

7:12pm – I don't think it's a huge leap to announce that the chick who just won Best Actress must have given a ton of blowjobs in the past month.  Marion Cottiwho?  Who the fuck is that?

7:21pm – I don’t know who is singing this fourth song.  Does it even matter?  God this is fucking awful.

7:37pm – You know those vapid bourgeois fucks in the audience don't care about this old guy.  "Me me me!" 

7:49pm – Remember Monchichi?  It was a toy monkey.  If not, one is presenting Best Song right now. 

8:00pm – This is pretty much the only way "Atonement" is tolerable.

8:14pm – I'm so sick of hearing about discrimination.  It's nothing but an urban legend. 

9:20pm – The guy who won best documentary mentioned the Extraordinary Rendition program.  And the hippies all clapped and said, "yeeah".  How many people there do you think know it was created in 95 under Clinton.

9:32pm – The winner for best original screenplay used to be a striper in Minneapolis.  I won a Hot Buns competition in Panama City and am also a screenwriter.  Coincidence?  Umm, yes, actually.

9:42pm – was there any doubt Daniel Day Lewis was gonna win for Best Actor?  And that his acceptance speech would be confusing. 

9:43pm – Paul Thomas Anderson got screwed.