EVA LONGORIA IS ALL OILED UP

Eva Longoria spent her weekend in Mexico with her husband Tony Parker, and that's a horrible idea, because Mexico is a damn nightmare.  New figures from the US Violent Crime Bureau reveal that 70 percent of all rape stories begin with, "I was in vacation in Mexico…"  Okay, actually I made that up, but it's probably close.  And because Mexico has a bountiful supply of date rape drugs, but no laws or capable government and the citizens are filthy sexual predators, those figures that I made up may only increase.  The only real reason to go there is for terrifying sex shows and to score drugs deemed too dangerous to be sold in America, and that's cool, just as long as you understand your doctor that is giving them to you rode to work on a donkey.  Excuse me, "burro".